My grandpa died today.
I hadn't talked to him in over three years. My daughter does not remember the special meeting we all shared before he lost his mind.
Wouldn't be so difficult if I had made an effort, if he's children had made an effort. But, alas, death has a funny way of creeping up on us.
The old dog is leaving us as well. A slow death, which leaves me holding the cards on just when she will pass.
But, truly, life must go on. My favorite time of year is here, when the local Rodeo comes to town. I get to share it with lots of family and loved ones this year and later, go to the Dance with my hubby.
But tonight, its just me and my vodka listening to the blues on the back porch.
There's always tomorrow...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Loneliness.
The loneliness seems to have crept back into my life as of yet and leaves me asking question "Will I have to deal with this my entire life??"
Should I be glad that it is not depression, or is it just really the same bird of a different color?
I am proud of myself for at least delving into why I feel this way and questioning the validity of it. Here are some reasons I have come up with:
I live on a Mountain Top in the country, isolated from most (it is called the Georgetown Divide).
My daughter and husband seem to have a life and responsibilities, unlike myself, and leave me here alone for a good portion of the day to over-think things.
The career that I am looking forward to is taking FOREVER to start up.
Farm Exchange and Farm to School are waiting in limbo for me to get up and do something. (insert swift kick in the a** here)
And then there is the trailer.
Yes, this cute little trailer with red rims causes deep irrational fears in me. I am realizing that I have come up with every excuse in the book for why I can't trailer. The weather, tires, butt chains, spare tire. I avoid it like the plague, because I am deeply afraid to lock the chains and shut the door. Ohh, I am not afraid of driving them, just shutting the door.
Though I know I could be out and about in the world riding my horses, not lonely, eating up hours of unemployed day, I just cannot seem to get past it. But I have to. I must. This will be the weekend! (insert power of positive thinking comment here)
And so I leave you with this...
"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."
Dag Hammarskjold
Should I be glad that it is not depression, or is it just really the same bird of a different color?
I am proud of myself for at least delving into why I feel this way and questioning the validity of it. Here are some reasons I have come up with:
I live on a Mountain Top in the country, isolated from most (it is called the Georgetown Divide).
My daughter and husband seem to have a life and responsibilities, unlike myself, and leave me here alone for a good portion of the day to over-think things.
The career that I am looking forward to is taking FOREVER to start up.
Farm Exchange and Farm to School are waiting in limbo for me to get up and do something. (insert swift kick in the a** here)
And then there is the trailer.
Yes, this cute little trailer with red rims causes deep irrational fears in me. I am realizing that I have come up with every excuse in the book for why I can't trailer. The weather, tires, butt chains, spare tire. I avoid it like the plague, because I am deeply afraid to lock the chains and shut the door. Ohh, I am not afraid of driving them, just shutting the door.
Though I know I could be out and about in the world riding my horses, not lonely, eating up hours of unemployed day, I just cannot seem to get past it. But I have to. I must. This will be the weekend! (insert power of positive thinking comment here)
And so I leave you with this...
"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."
Dag Hammarskjold
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