Saying Goodbye.

My grandpa died today.

I hadn't talked to him in over three years. My daughter does not remember the special meeting we all shared before he lost his mind.

Wouldn't be so difficult if I had made an effort, if he's children had made an effort. But, alas, death has a funny way of creeping up on us.

The old dog is leaving us as well. A slow death, which leaves me holding the cards on just when she will pass.

But, truly, life must go on. My favorite time of year is here, when the local Rodeo comes to town. I get to share it with lots of family and loved ones this year and later, go to the Dance with my hubby.

But tonight, its just me and my vodka listening to the blues on the back porch.

There's always tomorrow...

Loneliness.

The loneliness seems to have crept back into my life as of yet and leaves me asking question "Will I have to deal with this my entire life??"

Should I be glad that it is not depression, or is it just really the same bird of a different color?

I am proud of myself for at least delving into why I feel this way and questioning the validity of it. Here are some reasons I have come up with:

I live on a Mountain Top in the country, isolated from most (it is called the Georgetown Divide).

My daughter and husband seem to have a life and responsibilities, unlike myself, and leave me here alone for a good portion of the day to over-think things.

The career that I am looking forward to is taking FOREVER to start up.

Farm Exchange and Farm to School are waiting in limbo for me to get up and do something. (insert swift kick in the a** here)

And then there is the trailer.

Yes, this cute little trailer with red rims causes deep irrational fears in me. I am realizing that I have come up with every excuse in the book for why I can't trailer. The weather, tires, butt chains, spare tire. I avoid it like the plague, because I am deeply afraid to lock the chains and shut the door. Ohh, I am not afraid of driving them, just shutting the door.

Though I know I could be out and about in the world riding my horses, not lonely, eating up hours of unemployed day, I just cannot seem to get past it. But I have to. I must. This will be the weekend! (insert power of positive thinking comment here)


And so I leave you with this...

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."
Dag Hammarskjold

Missed my calling...

The Farmer, his wife, Tracy, Addy, and I packed ourselves up in the ol' front wheel drive sleigh and headed into Auburn for our radio debut.

Adam thinks I might have missed my calling and should have been a Radio Personality.

Who knows, it might not be to late. Georgetown has a local radio station that is always looking for DJs. Maybe Farm to School/Farmers Market information with my kind of country mixed in...

Here's the link...

http://www.kahi.com/audio_files/The%20KAHI%20Corral.mp3

Mud, Mud, Mud

There is so much mud in my pasture, I have to keep blogging about it...

Don't click off the page yet...I will spare you all the gory details of mud because you see, I must get over the mud. I know that spring will be here soon and planning the Farmer's Market seems to help pass the gray winter days because, once again, I know that soon plants will go in the ground, the sun will shine again, and the temperature won't be in the thirties.

Speaking of Market Planning...things are progressing nicely with help from the Farmer and his lovely wife. I really love planning meetings because they invite me to their house and give me yummy food and vodka and I always leave there with a goodie.

I wonder if I could plan a meeting every week???

Last night we decided on our Official Name...

wait for it...

Divide Farm Exchange

Farmer's Wife tends to think it will appeal to the male persuasion and I tend to agree.

We also finalized the decision to be certified through the county, which is free, but they take .60 cents per farmer, per market day (always have to have their hand in the pot) and you have to follow their rules. Being certified does mean that "small" homegrown farmers will not be able to sell (unless they get certified) but it does open the market to professional farmers, who are also needed for Farm to School Program.

Next step is to go Market Shopping (sounds really boring huh??) This way we can recruit specific vendors to round out our market. First up, year round market in Old Town Auburn...

BTW, I found my new hero yesterday. She owns the largest privately owned market chain in California and has a non-profit for School Gardens. Here is her website if your interested...

http://www.ccfm.com/site/index.php

There's Mud in your Pasture...

It is the end of the world.

Ok, not really. But that is how I feel looking out my office window as the weather changes from pouring rain to hail back to pouring rain with slight peaks of sun right before more hail.

Farmers Almanac states that this winter will be “kinder and gentler” overall. If only that where true.

Local news, however, reports that the lakes and rivers are at full capacity, Tahoe has received 100" since the beginning of March, and just today, a tornado touched down here in Northern California.

 Will Spring ever come I ask??

Will my flip flops come out of hiding? Will my legs get shaved again? Will I not have to run around the house in three layers and a parka???

And furthermore...will the Mud in the Horse Pasture ever go away??

A Blog???

As I write my second post, I figure all of my loyal readers and fans are wondering:

"A blog???"

"You??"

"Why now???"

"Hasn't that been done already?"

Well loyal fans and readers, here and now I will discuss the need for a blog in my simple little life...

Last year was a trying year. Money woes, job loss, kindergarten, alcoholism, death, sorrow, and loss. I entered 2011 with renewed hope and ended up with a bout of the most serious depression in my life.

Luckily it did not take long to realize that no, I could not live my life lying in bed, I had a husband, a child, and a small farm that needed tending.

So, as my husband puts  it, I shook up the snow globe. Now, I realize that I am jam packing my life with a shit ton of interesting things to do (typical of a type-A capricorn), hence the desperate need for an outlet.

What per say am I doing that is so important you ask...

1. Starting a grassroots effort to set up and Farm to School Program in my daughters district.

2. Forming a Wellness Committee to adjust District policies on the health of our youth. (totally inadvertently   by the way)

3. Organizing a seasonal local Farmers Market in my small town.

4. Starting, and teaching myself a new career.

5. Possibly becoming a member of the School Site Council (also inadvertent)

6. Push a "community vibe" on the divide and encourage people to "Eat Their View" 

And that my folks is just the start of it. In this next year, I hope to actually trailer and ride my horses (novel idea), buy our own house and property, start my own flower farm (keep your fingers crossed), watch less TV, eat less calories, and thoroughly enjoy my new Butt and Gut classes at the local gym. Shit, I may even start jogging...well, maybe.

So folks, be ready to be entertained with my simple little life...or bored out of your mind. Only time will tell.

What makes up a Supermom...

What makes up a Supermom?? Shit if I know.

In the past five years and eight months, I have come to understand that being a mom consists of late nights, lots of laundry, tons of self sacrifice, forced interaction with other parents and their kids, and the constant questioning of every decision I make.

Case in point, should the five year old watch over-edited Sex in the City episodes with me?? Will all of the kissing and edited words really affect her? Or does it mean that she will develop a true appreciation for New York City, an understanding of the struggles single gals face, and the knowledge of who Patricia Fields is?

Will she look back at her rearing and think that I did a good job or support the therapist community with gusto?

I suppose that only time will tell. Until then, I will bumble through motherhood one day at a time...and tell myself that I am indeed a Supermom.